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(Serious) Redditors who ended a relationship with someone they loved, but could not see a future with. How did you feel after? Did you regret it?
- Feeling great. I loved her deeply. We met doing Teach for America, which was an insanely difficult chapter with some truly dark lows. As compatible as we were in many ways, we were, more than anything, a refuge for each other in an otherwise awfully challenging time. We kept each other's heads above water. I couldn't have made it through those years without her.
However, we were from different worlds. She was from a blue-collar family, had aspired to work in education after a few years in the "real world" working retail, and her own difficult life had already made her strong (and angry). She was tough, which is a huge part of what drew me to her. On the flip side, I was spoiled and naive. Yet another overprivileged future lawyer, banking on some Americorps experience and my Ivy League credentials to carry me forward in life towards "bigger and better" things.
I grew up a lot just by watching how she moved through the world, and eventually I started figuring out how to want things that actually make me happy (hint: not being a lawyer) more than just acquiescing to what was expected of me. However, that growth only cemented my understanding that we were weren't just from different places, we wanted our lives to go in entirely different directions. To her credit, she was 100% percent invested in making our shared city at the time her new home, putting down roots and going all-in for her adopted community. She wanted a small house, the white picket fence, the honest, hard work as an educator, and a family of her own. I didn't want any of that, not at all. Once I recognized that fact, it became cruel to do anything other than break up.
When you love someone, you want what's best for them - even when that's no longer you. So it was hard, but I don't regret it for a second. I want her to be happy more than I wanted her to be "mine." I miss her sometimes, and I still find myself asking "what would SHE do?" when I am trying to find the courage to be brave in a scary situation. You always carry the love you had for them. It becomes a part of you. But time heals all wounds, and I'm happy knowing we made the hard choice for the greater good.
— throwaway02142008
- My first marriage ended. He was diagnosed with a large brain tumor. We didn't have health insurance on him, and I was still in school. So I quit school and got a job with health insurance, and we went through the long process of getting brain surgery to remove the tumor.
Once that was over, he was different. Not completely different, more like the person he would have been if he hadn't had some voice telling him he needed to be responsible. His neurologist called me up a year after the surgery and scolded me for "letting" my spouse get away with doing the opposite of what the doctor had told him to do. I felt like shit. He had been scheduling appointments for times I absolutely was not able to get out of work, so I thought he was doing *everything* he was told to do. That's what he told me he was doing, anyway.
For example, he told me they wanted him to get his mobility and dexterity back since the surgery had caused him to be temporarily paralyzed on one side of his body. He already went to physical and occupational therapy, but okay. What else did he have to do, I wanted to know. Oh yeah, he said. "They told me I should golf every day." So he got a membership at the country club. He did golf every day, so I thought he was doing what they wanted, but looking back, I wondered how that was going to help him get back to normal?
Back to that fateful phone call, I was told by the doctor that he would no longer be treating him, he'd have to find someone else. Because, among other things, he told him he needed to get a JOB. He said that would be the best exercise for the brain and for his body. So that phone call was a shock.
When we sat down and discussed the entire year from surgery to that present point, I asked my spouse how he was going to improve his life if he didn't want to do what the doctor told him to do? And did he really believe it was realistic to just golf every day for the rest of his life when we couldn't afford another year of a country club membership?
A few days later he told me he'd made up his mind. He had been thinking really hard, and he'd decided that he almost died the year before, and he would have died never having done the things he *really* wanted to do. Things like being a National Geographic photographer and a professional snowboarder. He also missed his band he had been in before we had to move for my new job with health insurance. So he announced he would be moving back home so he could be in his band again.
Did I want to be married to a professional snowboarder who had never yet been snowboarding? No. But I thought he would change eventually and go back to listening to that voice telling him to get a job and be in the band in his spare time. I gave him all the money I had saved, $4,000, and told him he had six months. If he didn't come back to me in six months, I'd file for divorce.
He took the money and drove back "home" with the full support of his band mates, who apparently had trouble finding a bass player. He promptly got someone pregnant. Six months later I filed for divorce. He filed some paperwork asking for alimony, but he never showed up for court so I was granted the divorce and didn't have to pay alimony.
I regretted supporting his little sabbatical, but I also didn't want a miserable spouse. We had been blissfully happy until that surgery, even with all the challenges, I was committed to taking care of him and our household. I thought we were soul mates. But I think he got scared when the doctor called me. He didn't want responsibilities. And maybe I was getting worn out?
Eventually I moved on. Graduated college.
Eventually I had to accept that there may be more than one acceptable partner out there for each one of us. I no longer believe in soul mates. I believe that if you want to be in a relationship, you will stay in it no matter what.
It's been many, many years. I'm remarried, happy, and stable. I know that if something happens to my spouse, I do have the strength to carry us through it. Also, which hadn't occurred to me before, I know that if something happens to me, my spouse will also without question do the same. And that is why I don't regret a damn thing.
— obscurityknocks
- Man, it is ridiculously hard. You still love them, you still enjoy their company, you still miss them and hurt being away from them... it's just incredibly hard.
But if you've done the time and know things aren't going to change, that life with them (no matter how much you love them) would never be a good life, (good for you, or maybe good for *them*) - then you have to make the choice.
There will be someone new eventually. They'll be wonderful, in a different way - hopefully a way that makes more sense. It may never feel like it did at the best parts of the last relationship ... and that is hard, but if you are smart about it - it won't feel as bad as the (usually lengthy and never ending) bad parts did too.
Make smart choices and things will get better... less painful, less destructive, less stressful, less exhausting... but man it can hurt in the short run.
So. It's hard. But when it's the right choice, it's worth it. Things will get better.
— Allisade
- She had (has) a severe eating disorder. Recovery took her much longer than I anticipated and it took too much from me to support her. In the end I realised we could never have the relationship I hoped for. She was unhappy in the relationship as well as she realized this and this brought her a lot of stress. When we finally broke up I felt relieved. However I let loneliness creep up on me. I went from having somebody to have a daily conversation with to speaking with nobody for a whole week. Because of that I still have some regrets about breaking up. It fucked me up badly. On the other hand being with somebody out of fear of being alone is a very bad grounds for a relationship and isn't fair to the other person.
— colouredmirrorball
- When I had broken up with him we had been fighting for about a month about everything and anything. He was a dreamer and I was a realist. We had two different paths in life. I knew things had to be over when he just straightfaced told me "I will never love someone as much as I loved [his ex]." We kept dating for maybe another week.
When I said "I just can't do this anymore" He looked relieved more than anything.
It tore me up inside. I went through many different phases: Sadness, anger, happiness, more sadness.
I still miss him. He was my best friend and I couldn't deal with being friends after we broke up. I still had feelings there, he didn't.
I don't regret breaking up with him. It was clearly something I had to do. We knew there wasn't a future there and it would have been useless to stay together. There are definitely times that I feel uneasy about it still. But more in the sense that I lost my best friend more than anything else. I miss having him in my life, but for me there was no way to have him in my life as a friend only. It's nearly 2 years later, he's moved on and is getting married. I hate it. Every bit of it because it still tears me up inside. We don't have communication anymore, which is probably for the best. His new fiance doesn't need me coming into the picture, that's not fair to her.
— Ishouldbeworking4
- I felt free.
It was a year and a half relationship and I loved him fiercely but he was smothering me. I was giving piece after piece of myself to him without getting anything in return. Breaking up with him was the hardest thing I’d ever done, but immediately after I did it I felt an overwhelming sense of freedom and peace. Like I could be my own person after months of being who he wanted me to be. The weeks and months after that night were difficult as I readjusted to being on my own but I never regretted it for a second.
A year and a half later and now I’m in a healthy relationship with an incredible man and my future is my own to choose.
— Sappy18
- Told this story a few other times, but as it applies to this thread:
Wife and I were good friends for years. After her first very short failed marriage, we began dating. We thought we had it figured out. Married about a year later.
About 2 years in, we kinda started to realize we made a mistake. But we carried on.
By year six we were both really frustrated with each other. Would fight pretty easily. We had good times too, but had a lot of issues.
During one fight \(we were pretty sexually incompatible\) I had tossed out in anger that maybe an open marriage would fix things. Ironically, I meant on HER end. She had a much higher drive than I did.
A few months later, she came to me calmly and asked if I had been serious. We sat down and had a long discussion about things, and agreed to try it. She started sleeping with a friend, and it tore me up more than I expected it to.
All of this would have been FINE, except how she responded to MY response. She saw how it was eating me up. I would eat maybe 200\-300 calories a day. I was sleeping like 2\-3 hours. I was hitting the gym literally 3\-4 times a DAY, just to keep my mind off things. I was drinking...maybe not heavily, but more often than I should. She just didn't seem to care. She wasn't mean, just apathetic.
I finally found a girl to date. \(It is MUCH harder for a man in an open relationship to find a partner than a woman, if he is being honest about the situation\). This is MONTHS later. We go on a couple dates, and finally the night arrives she and I decided to have sex. Due to open communication rules, I was supposed to tell my wife.
Her response surprised me. She told me that I couldn't, she wasn't ready 'for that step yet'. I was like....what?
But my wife was stubborn. We had agreed to have veto power. Here was one of the problems. I agreed to her terms, and the girl was understanding. However, a few days later when I brought up that maybe if she was having those issues, she should stop sleeping with her friend. That was one of the worst fights we ever had. She literally stormed out of the apartment, SLAMMING the door. She was gone for hours.
Anyway, I 'retracted' my request, because I HOPED that allowing her to sleep with her friend would allow me to sleep with mine. Here's the thing. Before you think it was just me wanting to get laid, what I wanted was BALANCE. I was feeling insecure, frustrated, a bit humiliated. It's one thing if your friends find out you have an open marriage. It's another if your friends find out your wife is sleeping with someone else because you grudgingly allow it.
Everything comes to a head one night when my friend sends me a topless pic. I casually mention it to the wife, not expecting that in 10 minute my marriage is over.
Wife EXPLODES. Forbids me from ever seeing or talking to this girl again. When I say that means it has to go both ways, she flat out refuses to cut her friend out of her life \(in her....defense....I had only known this girl 3 months, she knew the guy 12 years, and this made it better in her mind\). When I kind of backed down from that, but said the open marriage was over, she said something like 'she would consider not sleeping with him for awhile while we worked through this'.
I distinctly remember going into the bathroom and staring at my reflection. I realized I couldn't be a person that could live in a situation like this anymore. I knew leaving would \(and it did\) spell financial disaster for us both, but she was putting her wants way above mine, and our, needs.
I went back in the room and told her calmly that I was done, and I would stay the night to sleep on it, but was most likely leaving in the morning.
Next morning she begged me not to go. I asked her if she had changed her mind on anything and she said no. So that was it.
WHY I regret it? The growth I've done as a person, and the changes I have made have made it possible for me to be a person that could work through the other problems we had. I'm not talking about the disaster I just described. That was the catalyst, but we had many other issues.
We are both actually good friends to this day, almost 8 years later. But the people we are now could have made a solid marriage work, but the people we were then couldn't. We are both in relationships that are over 4 years old, so I doubt we would ever reconcile. But if we both hadn't had some major personality flaws at the time, we were young, we could have had something great.
Edit: **TL:DR** Problematic marriage turned into an open marriage wife only wanted to go one way.
— SoberApok
- I am so grateful that I broke up with my ex. He’s a good man and deserves every happiness. We were awesome friends, overall worked well as a couple, and breaking up with him was probably the best decision I’ve ever made. I couldn’t visualizing marrying him and the idea of anything really long term with him freaked me out. I would be a bad person if I had not broken up with him and I hope he somewhat hated me afterwards so that I was easy to get over.
Dating my current boyfriend is like night and day. I didn’t even know it was possible to love someone so deeply. I don’t really know why I feel so differently towards two good, decent men, but my ex did not deserve a girlfriend who wasn’t into him 100% and I did not deserve a boyfriend that I didn’t love enough to marry. Based off of my Facebook staking, my ex currently has a cute girlfriend who appears super into him, and I really hope he is happy.
— Sassafras515
- Broke up with a bf I had been with for over two years. I was head over heels, but when he started talking about marriage I felt dread.
I knew I had to break up with him before he proposed, because otherwise I knew I'd break down and say yes. I felt sick and relieved after. It sucked because I moved in with my dad to get out of our apartment after, but my dad lived literally two blocks away from my ex, so I still walked by our apartment building every day.
I don't regret it at all because I look back at our relationship and realize even though we were together for two years I didn't really know him. I never met his parents, I'd never met any of his friends, and I didn't really know what he liked to do besides smoke weed and paint GI Joes.
— BioticBelle
- I called off our wedding about a month before it was supposed to happen. We had been together for 5 years and she was the best friend I'd ever had. We met in college and started dating when we were 20, and over the years we both grew in different directions and became different people. We went through a lot of challenging and difficult things together that made it seem like we were too invested to give up.
It was emotionally devastating for both of us. We loved each other very much, but we weren't in love with each other. We were great roommates, best friends, great lovers, but the romantic relationship was dead.
It's hard not to romanticize the past and question yourself. However, we both agreed that getting married would've been a huge mistake and a last-ditch effort to save a relationship that had died a while ago.
The hardest part was moving out and learning to do things by myself again. We had done so many things together and for 5 years I had someone to share everything with. Every happy time, sad time, stressful time, etc. was faced by the two of us together and not just me alone. Suddenly I was very alone and it was difficult not having her around to share all of that with.
In retrospect, it was absolutely the right decision and we're both happy that we didn't go through with it. We're both in great relationships now and are very happy, although we unfortunately don't keep in contact.
— LateCucumber
- Right after I broke up with her, I literally screamed & cried for about 15 minutes. She was toxic in a very unique way. I loved everything about her except how she treated me. It was like tearing an organ out, but after losing it for about 15, I felt a lot better. The freedom really hit me, and I started to heal.
— JustThoseBalls
- It hurt. So bad. It still does, it’s still fresh. I’ve been on both sides of this before and t used to be my opinion that the “dumpee” always hurts more, but I honestly don’t know where to go from here. This is something different from any breakup I’ve ever had, and thinking about it makes me sick, but I can’t think about anything else. Like how when you have a cut in your mouth, it hurts but you can’t stop poking it.
I love this girl, still do, and I thought we had a future together. But mental illness is a bitch, and she just could never trust me. At the same time, she would attack me for not knowing what was on her mind/what she needed. We went through this cycle so many times. I was always clear that I was willing to stay in the relationship as long as she was actively working at recovery. I’ve had my own issues, and I wanted to be there for her, but recovery doesn’t just happen, you have to work for it. And no one but you can do the work. She would go through phases of trying, then giving up, over and over again. And eventually I had to say enough. I deserve better than how she was treating me, I deserve a partner who can communicate with me, and I deserve a partner that SHOWS me she loves me back... not just says the words. I had compromised my limits again and again, and it was starting to drag me back into a bad place I hadn’t been in several years.
That was the hardest talk I’d ever had. Worse than coming out as gay and getting kicked out by my religious family. Worse than asking for help with my drug abuse and self injury. This time it wasn’t just me I was hurting, it was someone I love, and that feels so much worse. Afterwards, I got in the car and drove and drove and drove, because I needed to cry and scream and I needed to not have anyone see. I thought that was as bad as it could get. I was wrong.
She tried to kill herself. She’s still in the hospital, and no one will let me know anything else. Her roommate messaged me to commit suicide, because the world would be better off without me, and that’s how I found out. I think something in me broke when I got that text. I was at work, had a presentation to a sponsor in an hour and a half, and I spent most of that time having a panic attack in the bathroom. I don’t expect the project to get funding- I hope my coworker was on the ball, because I was not there at that meeting, and I clocked out immediately after.
Everyone says it wasn’t my fault. It doesn’t matter. I took someone I loved, someone who tried to love me back, and I crushed her so bad she tried to take her own life. This is going to be something I remember until I die.
— athrowawayyy2120