What's the most perfect comeback line you've ever been able to deliver in real life?

1. Local asshole confront my dad at a restaurant. Asshole: “did you tell so and so I was a piece of shit?” Dad: “no, I don’t know how they found out”.
   — beardedbarnabas


2. When my mum was pregnant with my sister, this other lady started an argument with her, I forgot what it was about. This woman's closing line was "shut up you fat slag" to which my mum replied "I'm pregnant what's your excuse?"
   — charlottedjh


3. My Mother-In-Law is generally an unpleasant woman and has little good to say about anything. All winter long it's cold in her house and I suggested that we turn on the gas fireplace. Her comment, "That just sucks the heat right out of the room." Fast forward to one of the hottest Julys we've ever experienced. The AC can't keep up and everyone is complaining about the heat. We're all sitting in the living room and she starts bitching about the heat. I smirked and didn't even look up from the book I was reading. "Why don't you turn on the fireplace. It'll suck the heat right out of the room." My Father-In-Law just about pissed his pants laughing.
   — wgarth






4. Drunken customer angry about not being treated like a queen at the grocery store: "you don't FUCK with a 54 year old woman!!" seafood counter clerk: "what's your daughter have to do with this?"
   — KristinaKrystal


5. My aunt is a super bitch. She used to be sweet when I was younger but just became terrible once she started having her own kids. She has eight kids now and lives across the country so I luckily don't have to see her much. This all happened a couple of years ago when I was graduating college. I am the first person in my immediate family to graduate college. My mother decided to spend her own money and throw me a graduation party. I didn't really want one but knew my mom was excited so I went along with it. One day I hear my mom yelling on the phone. I ask her what's wrong and she basically tells me that my aunt is telling her she shouldn't waste her money on me. I'm confused so I grab the phone to talk to my aunt. Below is our conversation. Me: So are you really saying that my mom shouldn't waste her money on me? Why do you care? Aunt: I was just trying to tell her that people graduate all the time. You're 23. Isn't that a bit late to be graduating college? Me: Oh. When was your college graduation? CLICK! SHE HUNG UP ON ME!
   — thrillwave


6. My two sisters & I were eating dinner at Grandma's. Our sweet Grandma commented "Beauty, brains, and health -- I couldn't wish for more!" I immediately turned to my youngest sister and said "You can be health."
   — DeceptivelyBreezy






7. I once took my glasses off to clean them at work and my (female) boss says to me "you look pretty good without glasses). Instantly, without thinking, I replied "so do you". Luckily everyone found it funny, including my boss.
   — TentativeGosling


8. My little sister had just started teaching and at the time I was delivering pizzas. We were home for Christmas and she was itching to pick a fight. Sis: “At least I have a proper job.” Me: “And what makes a ‘proper’ job?” Sis: “One that requires a qualification.” Me: “ What, like a driving license?” She’s just failed her driving test for the third time and had been learning for over 5 years. She didn’t try starting anything again that year. Edit: a word
   — Coyltonian


9. My most recent one was on the first hot day of the year in Pennsylvania. For context, I’m a pretty short dude (5’3). I came to work in shorts and a t-shirt. Also had a backpack on with my work clothes in it. I also have one coworker who likes to make fun of people at our job, despite being a nearly 30 year old dude currently dating an 18 year girl still in high school. So this coworker takes a look at me as I walk in and says “You look like a six year old kid.” And without skipping a beat I immediately say “Oh good so I’m just your type?” Dude turned red as a tomato and walked away. My other coworkers just laughed about it with me. Edit: added in an important detail
   — A-College-Student






10. A hyper-masculine douche once told me, a girl, “I bet your dad wishes he has a son.” Without missing a beat my response was, “I bet your dad wishes the same thing”
    — cheratemydad


11. Not me...my (then) 13 YO son. He, the wife, and I were playing golf. She attempted a putt - maybe a 10 footer - and misses right by about 2 feet. Exasperated, she says " something knocked my ball off line". Deadpan, my son replies " yeah, your putter". Maybe you had to be there, but I still laugh about it to this day..
    — Alfus_71


12. Busy night waiting tables and was slow getting a customer her beer. I walked past and she said, “I’m going to die of thirst before you get me that beer.” I said, “Yes, that was my hope.” Her companions died laughing. Biggest tip of the night.
    — valuedminority






13. My boss and I have been working together for years across two restaurants. Hes a nice dude in his mid 50s (though 100% capable of dropping wicked one liners himself) and i'm in my mid 30s but dont look it. I walk up to my new table and all I hear is him saying "I can't help messing with Adam." The table smiles at me and giggles and I shrug my shoulders and say "this is why you shouldn't work for your grandpa." He rarely gets shut down but I got his ass that day.
    — Adamdidit