Hospital workers of Reddit, what's your best "stuck in the butt" story?

Man had a whole continental cucumber inside him, insisted he had fallen on it. Nurses and doctors were dying on the inside but had to keep a straight face in front of him.
— imonfiyar

When I was in college, I worked as a procedure tech in the hospital Endoscopy Unit. We saw the following: -A 60+ year old woman with a 2 foot long, glow in the dark dildo. -A man in his 50’s with a Barbie doll inserted feet first. It was headless, because he tried to use vice grips to remove the doll, prior to driving himself to the ER. -A pear. -An inmate from the county jail with a glass candle holder full of wax and pills. He had to be rushed into the OR, when the glass broke in his rectum. -A genuine strand of pearls. -A broomstick, well half a broom stick. Patient said he was dancing around the kitchen naked and fell in it. His partner tried to remove it, but couldn’t, so he sawed the actual broom part off before coming to the hospital. I have more, these are just the most memorable.
— Defiantly_Me

My aunt worked as a surgical nurse. They had a guy in 1999 come in ER requiring a cell phone "his dog brought into the shower and he slipped and fell on" be removed from his "telecommuters void hole” . She was doing OK until the phone started ringing, she was never able to recompose herself and had to be asked to leave and replaced by another nurse. She got written up for it and wears it as a badge of honor. 40+ years with only a single incident where she lost it "the ringing butt phone"
— dotelpenguin

I work for a group of surgeons so I have a few. One time a guy goes into the ER with and 8 inch vibrator suck in his butt. Came in around 2 in the afternoon, wife dropped him off at the enterance and drove off. Another time a guy put a summer sausage in his butt. Normally with something like a vibrator or bottle my doctors will use an anesthetic to paralyze the abdomen and can then just push out the object. But with summer sausage it starts to break down into smaller pieces and one of my doctors had to dig it out the bits manually.
— Pimp_Nutz

My sister works as a medical scribe. There was a man that came in because he had an entire can of hairspray stuck up there. As it turns out, this man had been using the can of hairspray to get his meth as far up his ass as was possible.
— Ultimate_Mugwump

A new laptop. About $900-1k in a 12 RAM, 1TB, equipped with NVIDIA, Asus laptop. I'm about half way there. Have another Asus that I got for college in 2013, but it has 4GB of RAM and it does not hold itself well when working with design/editing software (Adobe CC), and with my mayor and work I need one ASAP. Edit: I clicked the wrong thread, I will now bathe in my own shame. Edit 2: Thanks for the gold! To clarify, I have not shoved an Asus laptop up my ass, this was meant for anotjer thread (or have I)
— HowBoutIDoAnyway

Worked on a colorectal surgery floor for a while aka the place you stay after we have to surgically remove whatever you “stuck in the butt”. Aerosol hairspray can would have to be at the top of the list. Vegetables and dildos are a dime a dozen.
— fitohrn

From one of my friends--a pinecone that had been sprinkled with glitter. It was a Christmas gift to the docs in the ER.
— brownribbon

Not a hospital worker but my father works in theatre. My favourite story he brought home was the 16year old who was brought in for surgery with a toilet brush inserted into his rectum. Now you're all thinking the handle would make an excellent dildo. No this kid had been using the bristle end of the brush for his kicks. It was apparently safely removed from the boy after surgery and in between the surgery staff calming themselves from fits of laughter. As I know someone will ask, yes it was a toilet brush that was 'in use' and a cheap plastic design.
— Astec123

Thanks for reminding me of the guy who shoved the jar up his ass, and then tried to pull it out AFTER it broke...
— dumbfunk

Top 10 Answers