Military Redditors, when you were in boot camp, what was the funniest thing you ever heard one of your Drill Sergeants say?

1. 17 years old and I was at Fort Leonard Wood for Army Basic getting lunch in the chow hall. We were getting our meals and had gotten lucky since this day they had those small ice creams with the little wooden spoons. It was a rare treat, especially during the hot humid Missouri summers. When my turn came up to get one, I was disappointed to find that they’d just run out. I sat down dejectedly at the table with my squad and, as quietly as I could, jokingly attempted to trade a piece of bread for my battle buddy’s ice cream. We snicker a little at the futile effort. My battle buddy’s face suddenly got real serious as I felt somebody sit next to me. I turn to see our no-bullshitting Drill Sargent sitting next to me. He asks, “What are you laughing at dumbass?” I replied nervously, “Sergeant, I was trying to trade my bread for my battle buddy’s ice cream.” “Why didn’t you just get some in line like everyone else?” “Sergeant, they’d run out.” “Oh shit! Let me fix that for you.” He walks up to the Drill Sergeant’s table, finds a tray without somebody sitting by it, makes a show of looking around suspiciously, and then he swipes the ice cream off it. Smiling, he tip toes back to our table, sits down next to me, and puts the ice cream on my tray. “I like you, WhytCrayon. I don’t want you going without ice cream. But remember, while I may be a nice guy, Sergeant so-and-so whose ice cream you’re going to eat is kind of an asshole. So, I wouldn’t recommend you tell him you took his ice cream.” He slaps me on the back and jumps up from the table exiting the chow hall hunched down like he’s trying to sneak out. I’m left staring in horror at the Drill Sergeant’s table where the Drill Sargent who had his ice cream stolen had just returned with his drinks. He looked confused as if he couldn’t decide if he’d gotten any ice cream or if somebody had stolen it. That was probably the fastest I’d ever eaten a meal in my life.
   — WhytCrayon


2. "Why are you eye fucking me, recruit? Last person that looked at me like that got two kids."
   — buffingtron


3. Chief: “SAY GOOD MORNING, ASSHOLE!” Recruit Shmuckatelly: “GOOD MORNING ASSHOLE!” The recruit then proceeded to piss himself and go white. Chief turned and walked directly into the fishbowl (office) and shut the door before we heard him laughing his ass off.
   — wulfile






4. One of the first things the drill sergeant said when he stormed into the barracks was, "who's the Jew?" No one said anything, we just stood at parade rest all asking ourselves if we heard what we thought we did. He yelled again, "where's the Jew?" By this point I figured we had a crazy drill instructor that had lost it somewhere between his second and third deployment to Iraq. Then he said," Seriously, which one of you is named Jew?" An Asian guy next to me raised his hand. He was Korean. His last name was "Joo."
   — Archerfenris


5. We had a guy that "couldn't get right" no matter how hard he tried. He was always in trouble. (Only mild nothing serious). One day our TI found a pube in his locker and made him keep it and give it a name. Each and every night they would call out over the intercom just before lights out and they wanted to hear him tell his pube goodnight. This was in USAF basic in 2008 Edit- Having to show his parents the pube they made him keep all the way till graduation, priceless. Good thing his family thought it was as funny as we all did. I'll never forget "curly".
   — Runtowardsdanger


6. Navy boot camp, 1997. We were standing in the barracks for inspection and a guy further down the line pissed himself. I heard snickering and cut my eyes to the right to see the puddle traveling across the deck. That’s when the Recruit Division Commander (RDC) lost it, yelling “what is that? What the hell is that? Did you just piss yourself?” “Yes sir.” “Why didn’t you just go use the toilet?” “I was trying to keep my military bearing.” “Well now it’s all over the god damned deck!” At that a few people let out a hearty laugh and then the RDC tore into someone else. “You think that’s funny? Go grab that trash can and spit your giggles out.” I couldn’t see any of this taking place I could only hear it. Trying to keep my composure as the RDC continued on with his uniform inspection and its silent for a little bit and then the RDC yells out, “recruit I don’t hear you spitting out those giggles!” “Ha ha... ptooie. Ha ha... ptooie.” Reverberating like he’s got his head down in the trash can. That was too much, trying so hard not to laugh but someone else nearby did and he had that person also grab a trash can to spit out their giggles. We had those 2 saying the same thing. It was funny at first but the RDC took his time with that inspection and carried on like nothing happened. Wasn’t so funny at the end, listening to them for so long.
   — SmugFrog






7. I remember going through, we hadn't got to call home yet and this one private ate the candy from their MRE. For context, the candy in the MREs are forbiddened in my platoon at the time. The DS found out and made the private call his family to tell them he ate the forbidden candy, then hang up. First time his family heard from him in two months and it was a 10 sec phone call saying he ate the forbidden candy.
   — SSInsigne


8. Drill Sergeant: Beat your face, private! (slang for 'do push-ups.') Private: (looking lost, stammering.) DS: I said beat your fucking face! PVT: (punches own face. hard.) DS stared at the PVT for a second, turned and walked around the corner, and broke out laughing. Didn't see him back in the yard the rest of the day.
   — SimonTVesper


9. [THIS is the squad bay where all the recruits lived](https://static.panoramio.com.storage.googleapis.com/photos/large/39321703.jpg). My guys lived on the top floor. See any grass? No right? The nearest patch of grass was on the far side of the parade deck. (Think, the far side of a huge mall parking lot.) Every time this one kid would say something stupid, this one DI would look at him, and say, "Go get me a blade of grass." ZOOM! Kid runs out of the squad bay, down three flights of stairs, across the parade deck, picks a blade of grass, runs back. Huffing and panting, "Blade of grass sir!" DI takes it, looks at it, flicks it away "Go get me another one."
   — jrhooo






10. A Drill instructor was looking over all of us before our final drill and stopped infront of a recruit with a unibrow. Snapped to attention, faced him and said "EYEBROWS, you will have two of them!"
    — rdolis


11. Will jump school do? Just before our first jump at Ft. Benning a guy in my stick asked Sgt. Mitchell, who would pretty much just as soon kill you as talk to you, "Sgt. Mitchell, I know if my main chute malfunctions I can use the reserve. But what happens if the reserve malfuntions?" I thought Mitchell was gonna kill the kid, but instead he put his arm around his shoulders, and in the most fatherly tone possible said, "Son, if that reserve don't work you got the rest of your life to fix it."
    — TGMcGonigle


12. Not a saying but they used to make screw-ups shimmy up a pole and sit on top and yell "I'm a shitbird, I'm a shitbird".
    — Skarroo






13. Okay. So it was gas chamber day. We were all sitting on some bleachers and awaiting the infamous trial of respiratory distress. One of the drill sergeants comes out and starts looking at all of us. Keep in mind, we actually got to sleep in our bunks the night before. He normally talks to us like he’s about to burst out laughing but this time, he has this really serious look. Almost like he cared about our well being. So we are all sitting there, naive, half baked in the sun and counting our water beads that we use to measure how much water we’ve consumed that day. Finally he speaks up. “Privates! I need to you pay attention. This is fucking important.” He starts. We are about to go through the gas chamber and our medics need to know something. So, everyone, lower your heads, close your fucking eyes and raise your hand if this applies to you. No looking!” We all sit there like the typical window lickers we were. “If, you jacked off last night, I need you to raise your hand so the medics can pull you aside before you burn your dick from some god awful chemical reaction in the chamber.” The “what the fuck” was palpable. He continues, “So who jerked it last night? Raise your fucking hand!” Hands were raised. And without missing a beat, our drill sergeant says “Everyone look! See who was tugging their meet while you slept peacefully in your beds!” He and the medics burst out laughing. Faces were red. God it was hilarious.
    — Parawhiskey68


14. First day of BMT we were being processed in and then one by one being put into formation. I’m already in the room with about 20 other trainees. The next guy comes in with his pants sagging and the TI yells “pull your pants up! Do you think your some kind of gang banger?” The guy jumps to attention and yells out “No Sir, I’ve never been gang banged in my life!” The guys nickname was gang bang for the next 8 weeks.
    — bigbruce85


15. Band guy here. My 1SG demanded to know what instrument I played and I stupidly replied, “The tiny tuba.” So for every PT run in the mornings, he’d be behind me screaming, “You better fucking run, Dr. Tiny Tuba!”
    — Crezlie






16. Navy boot camp 10 years ago, whole division is lined up in our bunk room and our Chief is screaming out random rants and insults. Then he specifically calls out 7 people by name and has them lined up in the middle of the room. Chief starts screaming at all of us to keep 100% military bearing or we would be in major pain. He then leaves for 10 minutes leaving all of us at attention while the 7 people in the middle of the room are getting progressively more nervous. Finally Chief returns with 5 other chiefs and they all look pissed. Our Chief turns to one of the other chiefs and asks him to read off the names of the individuals in the middle of the room. "Wood, Julian, Swallow, Young, Peters, Gross, Mangum" the chief yells out. No one knows whats going on so our Chief turns to our division and yells out to us, "WELL WOULD HE?!" Everyone realizes at the same time what was going on and we all broke military bearing at that point. We got our asses kicked but it was worth it just for the long con our Chief had played on us.
    — ZibzahPoozyBuns