[SERIOUS] Marriage counselors of reddit, what are some points of friction in a marriage than can be avoided easily?

1. Let's say you simply MUST regularly visit irritating in-laws who live far away or else damage your marriage. "Honey, it would be much easier on ALL of us if we stayed in a hotel/motel." Message to in-laws: "We'd prefer to take some pressure off of you and have already made a firm reservation." (Do not repeat yourself more than once. Announce this as a done deal. Do not argue.) Convince your spouse to leave together an hour after dinner. (8 or 9 P.M) It's much easier to stomach those you don't like if you know there's a set time limit. After a relaxing evening it's easier to return the next day. (I gave this advice to couples and it usually worked out.)
   — WokeUp2


2. There's a researcher named John Gottman who's done a lot of studies on marital happiness. Interesting stuff. He's got a book titled *[The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work](https://tainacasatoriei.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/carte.pdf)* (linked to PDF), but the resources below will give you a sample of his findings. Relevant podcast: [This American Life 261: The Sanctity of Marriage Act 1: What Really Happens In Marriage.](http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/261/the-sanctity-of-marriage?act=1#play) Description: >Ira visits marital researcher John Gottman, who's part of a generation of researchers that have revolutionized the way we see marriage by observing successful and unsuccessful marriages and trying to figure out what the successful happy ones are doing that the ones who end up in divorce are not. Relevant article: [Masters of Love: Science says lasting relationships come down to—you guessed it—kindness and generosity.](http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/) Excerpt: > Throughout the day, partners would make *requests for connection*, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” >He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird. > > The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. >The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that. > > People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. >Those who didn’t—those who turned away—would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.” > > These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. >The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.
   — gotthelowdown


3. On my twentieth wedding anniversary, here are some tips that have helped us: 1. Communicate, but wait until you are calm. 2. Apologize early and often, but NOT passive-aggressively. Check in to see if your SO understands that you are not trying to be passive-aggressive. 3. Understand that marriage is as much about personal and interpersonal growth as it is about anything else. Change is nothing to fear, just manage your expectations, and those of your S.O. 4. Say "I love you" and/or use small acts of affection often and spontaneously. Just saying it when it is expected is almost the same as not saying it at all. 5. if your S.O. is losing their cool, don't lose yours. Save "discussions" about arguments for later when you can both be more rational. Yes, this is the same as point 1, but it bears repeating.
   — Quasifrodo






4. When you realize that your S.O. wouldn't do anything specifically to hurt you. If they did hurt you, they probably didn't mean to. So give them a chance to explain.
   — gloriascranton


5. A weekly house cleaner is cheaper than marriage counselling.
   — wheresmypurplekitten


6. If you are buying a house, do not disregard YOUR want/needs for a house, even if the other party is happy as can be. Source: settled on a house that had 0 out of the 3 things I said I "had to have" (decent garage, flat driveway, large yard) because the wife loved the neighborhood, kitchen and master bathroom. Now every time I go into my single car garage that barely holds my woodworking tools and benches, out to our tiny back yard or try to work on one of our vehicles in the uncovered, severely slanted driveway, I get frustrated beyond belief that I said ok to this place because she was "so tired of looking". tl;dr: If you're buying a house together, make sure it suits both of your needs, not just one.
   — Kytoaster






7. We each have a double duvet on the bed. We both put the lid down on the toilet after using it. So that means I have to remember to put the lid down just as much as he has to remember to put the seat down (this rule came in when we got our first kitten and he kept falling in the toilet) We both try hard to avoid the words 'never' and 'always'. As in: "You never pick up your socks!" or "You always forget to wipe the sink!" Acceptable words are "seldom" or "often". It's a tiny tiny semantic shift, but it makes a MASSIVE difference when having discussions about these things.
   — chocolate_on_toast


8. Never bad mouth your spouse, especially to family and close friends. Address any issues that you with your spouse only with him/her present.
   — Queen_Dare_Bear