What is the shittiest metaphor or simile you can come up with?

1. He was as tall as a 6'3" tree
   — alegonz


2. This is one my highschool math teacher gave A girl asked exactly why (X - 2)^2 shifted the graph of X^2 to the right instead of the left, and my teacher goes (and this is going to be damn near word for word): "Well, imagine you're buying cookies for lunch. And cookies are 4 cookies for 2 dollars. You have 4 dollars. But your mom gives you 2 extra dollars. Uhh... 6 dollars... 2 cookies.... 2 dollars left over... so the graph shifts to the left."
   — WOT_IF_UR_LEGS


3. Her eyes were blue like toothpaste, speckled with tooth whitening crystals.
   — summertimebooze






4. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze
   — ScrubTech83


5. Her eyeballs looked like two round giant glistening balls
   — CommunistSandas


6. He felt more out of place than pubes on a baby
   — Avatar_Hung_Low






7. I can't come up with any ideas, like a screenwriter who can't come up with any ideas.
   — trebuchetfight


8. Her smile was as beautiful as a row of enamel-covered chunks of dentin.
   — Capercaillie


9. Her eyes were like stars, but really close ones that were small and wet and in her face.
   — TheRealLouisWu






10. Life is like a shit; you do it once and then it merely flushes away.
    — SuzQP


11. I can do you one better. An actual one I heard shouted at a rugby match. I WANT YOU TO STICK TO THAT BALL LIKE SHIT ON VELCRO.
    — 21361


12. Her hair was wet, like water.
    — stillusesAOL






13. Her vocabulary was bad like whatever lol
    — BucketofFeet


14. The alto's singing voice was as enchanting as a cow bellowing to be milked by warm hands on a cold winter's night.
    — Back2Bach