What NSFW story have you wanted to tell but didn't have the specific thread for it?

1. Was working at red store. In bathroom stall and the bathroom is empty. Door swings open. I hear the soap dispenser pump several times and then a pair of shoes walk over to the urinal and this guy starts wacking it furiously. Sounds like someone stirring jello with a spatula. I'm grossed out but remain completely silent. I look at the shoes to find out it's a fellow employee in uniform. He finishes the task and leaves. Later that night I realized the shoes belonged to the shift manager.
   — diceblue


2. My ex loved Miley Cyrus and BDSM. I tied her up and choked her while she watched music videos or looked at her nudes. It was a fair punishment I guess.
   — SaneSchizophrenic


3. A couple of my friends once fucked in the living room of my apartment in college. After they left, the whole room smelled like lasagna for some reason, though they nor anybody else had made or eaten it. Everyone who walked in was like "Did you guys make lasagna in here or something?" From then on it became an inside joke that making lasagna was synonymous with having sex.
   — regalternative






4. A friend from college told me about the time she was slam-dancing on this dude's wang when his dog jumped up on the bed and from behind started sloppily tossing her salad. The part that I was horrified by/respected the most was that she said she kinda liked it and let it happen for a minute. Truly mans best friend right there.
   — Timett_son_of_Timett


5. About a month ago I walked in on my wife banging herself with a frozen hot dog with my GoPro attached to the end of it. Apparently she had been uploading them and paying for her student loans with ad revenue
   — icecreampopncereal


6. July 4th, 2001: I was playing a gig with my pop-punk band in the backyard of a friend's house a few block's away from my best friend's house (let's call him Q-ball). Well, I wanted my best friend there so I walked the 3 blocks over to his house to retrieve him and bring him back to the gig. This was before cellphones were a thing, so I had to physically walk over there to get him. I knocked on the door and got no answer. I knocked again, same thing. I had been to this guy's house a bunch, and I figured they just hadn't heard me, so I walked right in. I walked down the hall, looking in every room, and then I got to the guest bedroom doorway at the back of the house. In the guest bedroom, Q-ball's stepdad (a very unfortunate looking man) was standing in front of the bed, butt ass naked. On the bed was Q-ball's mother dressed in a black leather BDSM bikini (and she was a large woman, a BBW, if you will) along with another plus-sized woman in a matching BDSM bikini. Each woman had a large dildo in their hand, Q-ball's mom's was magenta, the other woman's was colored black. They all looked at me as I stood in the doorway. I weakly said, "Sorry," and walked out of the house and back to my gig. I never told him.
   — The_Dawkness






7. Few weeks ago, I've been talking to a guy. He seemed nice enough, when I got back from vacation he picked me up from the airport so he could meet me Well his pictures were a few years older and he was bigger. What the hell, I try to give up to date pics but whatever. We went back to his place to talk and get to know each other. Well, yadda yadda and what you know, we're fooling around. He warns me that he has small dick. Ok whatever, but turns out it is very small like a small stubby toe small ( 1 inch), so it looks a stubby toe with a white hat on. I felt bad for the guy but he kept whining about his small package. He lasted a minute Felt bad but atleast improve your skills with your tongue and fingers if you have a small package
   — Bkbee


8. I once interviewed a homeless man who had a puppy with him at the time. As we were walking I asked him its name. It was Satan's Cock. The puppy, licking my palm, was named after the devil's genitalia. I wanted that interview though so I shrugged and went with it.
   — Kaniahlies


9. I bought my GF a butt plug but I use it more than her, and she doesn't even know since it stays at my place
   — def_not_myself






10. A straight friend of mine used to share my bed when she came to stay, one time when it was a particularly hot summer we were both sleeping topless, and I woke up in the middle of the night to her sucking on my nipple in her sleep. It felt incredible, and I had an amazing (but as quiet as possible) orgasm. I never did tell her about it.
    — Emily_Starke


11. Boyfriend drank more than half a bottle of tequila at a wedding once, we went home and I thought he'd go straight to sleep, but nooo, he wanted to have sex. He said he was fine, so we started. First, in the middle of it, he yelled "I want to impregnate you!" so I kinda ran away for a moment, and we had a talk and he confessed his desire to marry me one day. We were using protection and I'm on the pill, so we continued with the sex (I'm not one for impulse pregnancies). Then, when we were getting back into rythm, I was on top and he started lightly spanking my buttocks... until he slapped his own testicles. So we had to take another break. You'd think that after a marriage talk and a self-slapping of testicles he'd want to stop. Nope. We got off. Worse or best, he remembered everything the next morning.
    — MyDreamsAreWeird