[serious] People who grew up in a stable, non-abusive home, but still have a bad relationship with your parents - what's your story?

1. My mother was a perfectionist, if I was struggling with something she would just do it for me instead of letting me fail and learn on my own. She was also a helicopter mom, god forbid I go anywhere without her right there. My father was the director of technology for a school district that refused to hire him an assistant. He would work 60-80 hours a week to make sure that the school districts computers were running well. He was an amazing man that would give the shirt off his back. However, he was so busy with that, he didn’t do anything with me. By the time he and I had a decent relationship I lived 10 hours away and he was diagnosed with ALS.
   — cvlrymedic


2. My parents are Korean immigrants. They cared a lot for me and my sister but just didn't know how to show love. I guess their perspective was that as long as they work hard and provide for us, that's enough. Now that I'm 25 and basically their age when they had kids, I see what they missed and that's communication. My dad was your typical Asian dad. Stoic, never spoke much. That left me emotionally neglected. So our relationship is very shallow. Very surface level. They don't know me and I don't know them. On top of that, we have a huge language barrier now. They suck at speaking and understanding English and vice versa. I suck at speaking and understanding Korean. It's hard to communicate with them even if I tried.
   — raymondxcho


3. It's funny how much damage you can do without meeting the technical definitions of "abuse".
   — SinAgainstMan






4. Being taught that I shouldn't let anyone know I have disabilities, leading to bad anxiety/guilt that now in my 30s, I know was totally wrong. I started having epileptic seizures when I was 11, the type were complex partial seizures, so I'd go dizzy, freak out, wave my hands around and talk in jibberish. Parents said "It's just puberty hormones." When it continued happening tons, got told off for attention seeking. Can remember my year 7 teacher at a parents night saying "You wouldn't get bullied so much if you stopped pretending to go dizzy all the time." At age 14 I woke up paralysed, started screaming, can remember Dad saying "I don't want to have to go to hospital." They finally took me several hours later, turns out it was a seizure called Todd's Paralysis, where you have a seizure in your sleep, and your brain and body lose connection for a while. Was diagnosed with Temporal Lobe Epilepsy. So I start telling people who know me that I have epilepsy, because after 3 years of people thinking "She's weird" during a seizure, it felt good to finally know the reason/point out I'm not crazy to people. Scored many many huge lectures from parents about "YOU DON'T TELL PEOPLE THAT. STOP MAKING THINGS ALL ABOUT YOU. YOU CAN'T WEAR A MEDIC ALERT EPILEPSY BRACELET BECAUSE THEN PEOPLE WILL KNOW YOU HAVE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU." Can remember went to a Flight of the Conchords show, ran into a friend after who asked how I went during the Epileptic Dog song, I said "Totally fine, no seizures!" and my Dad says "Here she goes, she can't help herself and has to mention epilepsy." Cut to 2011, my eyesight starts going weird, seeing floaters everywhere and really blurry, complain to parents, Mum says "Does there always have to be something wrong with you?" So I kept ignoring vision changing, until both my retinas detached. I used to feel horrible guilt as a teen about "Being sick" but now know, dude, you were a kid, it's not your fault what your brain and body was going through!"
   — SunnyLego


5. My parents are normal, but both worked all the time. My sister raised us (four kids). The only thing us kidd did with our parents was go to church. I never really knew them. Now I live on the other side of the country and don't feel like either of us have any desire to engage. I speak with my eldest sister nearly every week though.
   — N0SF3RATU


6. Don't know if I'd say "bad" relationship, but it's rocky. My mom raised me with strict expectations. Nothing was ever good enough for her. I don't know that I'd call it abusive, but very, *very* rarely would she ever compliment me on anything at all. Her goal was to make me strive to always be better - to believe that "good enough never is." But it scarred me with toxic-ly low levels of confidence throughout high school until I was able to leave and go to college, get a job, be on my own and realize that not everything needs to be criticized so harshly. I think she realized her mistake and compliments me on too many things now - all of which I pretty much ignore because I can't trust how genuine it is. We "get along", but there is still a lingering sting of bitterness of never having her genuine approval for anything.
   — BittyMcBitBit






7. I found out my dad had stolen lots of money from my funds to use for himself, mostly to visit my then stepmother. He refused to give up his right to access the funds or pay the money back. As soon as I became old enough that he no longer legally could force me to see him I asked him to f**k off. 20 years ago, and no regrets.
   — JRL1981


8. I came out as gay. We grew up in a very “picture perfect” family (it was entirely intentional). Beautiful house in the suburbs, nice lawn, two nice cars, married parents, two children. Growing up it was nearly perfect. My parents sheltered me a lot but I didn’t know anything different and I was a pretty nerdy/good kid who didn’t like to break rules anyway. I came out as gay in my early 20s and it shattered my parents world. They really wanted to sweep it under the rug; their initial reaction was “we don’t have to ever tell anyone else that. That’s a family secret.” I wasn’t onboard with that because “family secret” implied that it was something to be ashamed of. We drifted/fought often and eventually for my own reasons I came out to our extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins) and they flipped — it destroyed the family image (even though I was in my mid 20s by then). They hardcore backed out of my life and I didn’t chase them. It’s been 10 years since that happened and I speak to them about once a year now — usually only shallow conversation. “Oh you two went to Florida on vacation? Sounds fun..... this summer has been so hot...”
   — gopher646


9. I wouldn't say I have a "bad" relationship, it's more of a "you're my father and I have to love you" relationship. My relationship with my mom is much closer and my mom is very dear to me, but there are still certain things I can't talk to her about, primarily relationships. But back to my father. The simple fact is that my mom and dad haven't had the best relationship with each other for the past few years. Up until I was about 13/14 years old everything was great. We then began moving and doing construction on a new home. Everything went to shit at that point. It was a slow decline, so slow that I didn't even realize it happening. The construction project ate away at my family and we discovered things about each other we had hidden. My dad had to be in control of everything. He was clearly vastly uncomfortable being out of control. But by the time we realized our family might need help, the construction project ended, and we moved into out new house. We went back to being "normal". But nothing was ever the same. I saw my dad in a completely new way. Then last year, the city he worked for completely fucked him over and he left his job (with a year's worth salary so he wouldn't sue their asses off). But my dad being at home just hurt my relationship with him. We are incompatible people. I can't stand they way he acts, the way he treats my family and his immature skills with his family. He's great in city management, he's terrible at family conflict. Currently, I don't live with my dad. When he lost his job my family ended up moving. I was allowed to stay with family friends to finish my senior year of high school. When people ask if I miss him, I can't say yes. I don't miss being away from him. I grew up in a stable, non-abusive home, but to put it simply, if my parents weren't so religious and my mom wasn't so meek, I don't think my parents would still be together. I know this isn't a super significant story, but my family environment needed counseling, my high school years kinda messed me up emotionally now that I look at it, and I'm much happier not living in the same home as my father.
   — Kill_the_worms






10. Too many cultural and generational differences. The older I got, the less we agreed on. We could never see eye to eye on things. They were wonderful providers, never had to ask them for anything in life and they always made sure I had a very comfortable life. But they lacked understanding as a mom and dad.
    — tazkiaa


11. I have a terrible relationship with my mother. Her and my father split sometime when i was 3? Or 4? To young at the time to remember. Anyhow. Court granted custody of my brother and i to her. So until i was about 7 i lived with her. Then the states found out she was living with a child molester(i can't remember anything ever happening to me or my brother.) Then told her, move or we're taking the kids. After that. The only thing i can remember is going to my mom dropping us off at grandma's for about a year then meeting my father for the first time(that i can remember) in montana. We were off to a terrible start and had a pretty terrible relationship until our lifes went to hell. Somehow, my mother had tricked the state into thinking she still had custody of us kids and wanted us to move back in with her after about a year and a half of living with grandma and my father, well, the state didn't like that she just dropped us kids off and there was a large custody battle with my dad coming out the winner. So proceeds the next 8 years of her taking my father to court once a year to try and take us kids away( after about 4 it was mostly over my brother cause i told the courts no way in hell would i live with her.) Meanwhile. Throughout this whole hell. She doesn't even bother to ask for us during the holidays, birthdays or even ask us how we are. Also, while this goes down. My father and us kids are struggling to stay alive through a series of very unfortunate events. In 2006, we had a house fire. 2007(2008?) We went through a tornado. 2010 grandpa died and the family pretty much kicked us out and turned their backs on use until 2016 when grandma decided enough, they are coming to christmas. Thats final. I have no love for my mother. All she did was make our lives miserable and harder. She never paid a penny in child support. Never wished us happy holidays nor happy birthday. All us kids were to her was a meal ticket and a way to use me against my father. To hell with that woman. I do feel sorry for her 8 ex husbands tho.
    — totally_boring


12. My childhood was wonderful. I was cared for, loved... hell, I was adored as the youngest child and quite the “miracle” if you will. At 20, I came out to my parents. I started getting treated like I no longer belonged in the family unless I was what they wanted me to be. 12 years later, and it’s still the same. My dad passed away and my mom still wants very little to do with me. The kicker is that it’s all in Jesus’ name. Not very unconditional with your love, Ma.
    — eyecanthearyou