Lawyers, judges, or court room attendees of Reddit; what is the most ridiculous youve seen someone treat a judge? What was their response? Best judge stories?

1. I was in court for a speeding ticket. The prosecutor didn’t offer me a reduction so I plead not guilty. We got into court and the judge called the officer who pulled me over to the stand. He hadn’t shown. The judge was already irritated and he asked the prosecutor where the cop was. The prosecutor admitted he hadn’t called the cop to come because he had assumed I wouldn’t show or would plead guilty. The judge was pissed. Then the idiot made the mistake of asking the judge if we could wait an hour for the cop to come. The judge lost his shit, livid that we all arrived on time and this dunderfuck couldn’t be bothered to do his job correctly. The judge told us the case was dismissed but we were not dismissed from the table, and had to stand there for ten minutes while he chewed the prosecutor a new asshole. He made us wait and witness him chewing out the guy for fucking up the entire trial.
   — Junko__Enoshima


2. Sat through almost a full day's worth of hearings once (part of a school project). It was fascinating watching the judge's bad day get worse and worse. He was saddled most of the morning with a public defender who apparently got most of his training from watching Matlock. The guy would variously scream and make dramatic motions to the judge, and the judge would have to pause things to tell him what he could and couldn't do. He had two or three quick cases in a row that just had technical foul-ups. Like, one guy spoke only Spanish, but the court hadn't procured a translator. So, he sat there with his head in the hands while they searched for the translator. Another guy kept trying to talk about how the US court system is illegitimate, and kept interrupting the judge until a baliff stood behind him. By the end of the day, the judge had one more case: a very basic criminal charge for possession, I believe. Anyway, the guy comes in wearing a t-shirt with a drawing of a woman, fully naked, and with everything exposed. The judge just had enough. He cited the guy for contempt, fined him, yelled at him, and then kicked him out so that he could turn his shirt inside out. He spent most of the day just kind of patiently working, but you could see every little thing stacking up.
   — MagicJasoni


3. I’m a cop. And was picking up some extra duty as a bailiff on my day off. I remember this one guy, I usually try to remain as neural as possible. But I had second hand cringe for this guy. He was leaning on the stand, and at one point instead of saying “yes your honor” said..”yeah dawg I gotcha”
   — BlueRose104






4. I was in court contesting a speeding fine - I was on my provisional licence in NSW, Australia at the time and I was caught doing 7km/hr over the speed limit during a ‘double demerits’ holiday period - all speeding offences are modified to 4 demerit points on your P (provisional) plates and double demerits meant I earned 8 demerit points for 7km/hr over the limit. As a ‘Green P Plate’ driver I only had 7 demerit points available on my licence, so I would have lost it for 3 months without contesting. While I was waiting for my case to be called, the magistrate heard the case of a 40-something year old well-dressed man. These were her words exactly: “I don’t care that you’re an upstanding member of your community, you have positive character witnesses and are a member of the Lions Club (charitable organisation). The fact is that you were travelling 45km/hr over the speed limit *with your wife in the passenger seat and your two young children in the back*. How would you live with yourself if your actions killed your children? Worse still, if you had killed someone else’s children? Good on you for paying a lot for an expensive solicitor but you’re losing your licence for 12 months, and you’re paying court costs.” Thank God my case was heard after recess and a more lenient magistrate came on.
   — Omegate


5. Best judge story: (told to me as 100% true, I think it may be apocryphal, but anyways) Very kindly judge has been presiding over a child abuse trial for ages, being very nice to everyone, including the defendant. The defendant, who was 70+ by the time he was caught, was found guilty. Everyone in court is worried that the kindly judge will take pity on this old man and give a light sentence. Judge hands down consecutive sentences for many many charges, adding up to >50 years. Now guilty man splutters "but I'm an old man, I can't do that long" Judge says to him with his kindliest voice: "there, there. just do as much as you can."
   — wotsname123


6. Once I was watching first appearances, where the judge sets bail. A man came through with a bag on his head. It was a cloth bag so that he could breathe through it. I asked the judge afterwards about it. Apparently he has been purposefully spitting on people, so they had to get out a spit bag. Also, apparently there is a such thing as a spit bag.
   — smileydonna






7. Used to work at a trial law firm. Some of the stuff I have heard was hysterical.... Witness: ...he's a fucking lying.. Judge: Sir, there shall be no profanity in my courtroom. Witness in all sincerity: Fuck Judge, I'm sorry... Courtroom erupts in laugher as the Judge facepalms and the witness really was confused about why everyone was laughing. Another... This was on Tuesday. The defendant was picked up for PD on Saturday night and was still too drunk to appear on Monday morning. Judge:. Sir, do you even know where you are right now? Defendant: Is that a Tennessee flag your honor? Judge: Yes, that is the flag of Tennessee and the other one is The US flag. So son, do you know where you are and how you got here? Defendant Shrugged:. Aliens? (This before the internet, so he didn't do the meme. Which would have been classic.) Yet another... Plaintiff's attorney to a Federal Judge:. Where did you get your degree? Out if a Cracker Jack Box? Judge:. Harvard... And you... Attorney: Names a law school NO ONE even knew existed.. Judge:. Well, I guess they didn't teach you that being insufferable to a Federal judge in a trial would not only result in a mistrial it would also result in you spending your weekend in jail for contempt. Marshalls.. please.. After the plaintiff's attorney was taken away and the jury was thanked for their service the judge turned to the plaintiff.. Judge:. Ma'am, that man is a miserable excuse for counsel and I would suggest you look elsewhere. Otherwise, I expect you will lose this, from what it appears, a rather reasonable case. We were working the other side but didn't dare object because we had so many cases in front of him. Or defense strategy was that he was a joke and he would blow it. She got someone decent and we settled about a month later. I could go in for days...
   — Duesizzle


8. My mom has a unique illness and filed a disability claim. It was originally denied, and she fought like hell to get a hearing. Then the judge says "You look healthy enough to me." Then my mom flipped out and yelled 'you can't even pronounce the illness I have correctly, you fucking idiot.' We were then escorted out pretty quickly.
   — Yossi25


9. I was not in the courtroom for this but there was a court case called State of Georgia Vs. Denver Fenton Allen, where the following exchange occured. Durham is the judge. ALLEN: I jack on white boys— DURHAM: Why don’t you do it right now? ALLEN: —just like I jack on females. DURHAM: Do it now. ALLEN: I ain't got, I ain’t got but— DURHAM: I don’t care. ALLEN: Take off the cuffs. DURHAM: How many hands do you have to have to do it? ALLEN: Take off the cuffs. DURHAM: Come on. No. Jack off. ALLEN: This is kangaroo court. DURHAM: Come on. Jack off.
   — MikeSteinberg123






10. YouTube has a channel for a very calm, personable judge in Providence Rhode Island. I think "Caught in Providence." He seems very willing to find a way to fairly address minor infractions leniently, but there is one case where the defendant was clearly losing it, yelling "DOUBLE JEOPARDY!" at least a dozen times (to the point the gallery was trying not to laugh).
    — kaihatsusha


11. Watched a guy show up for a DUI hearing wearing a Party Til You Puke tshirt.
    — Bellamy1715


12. Have you ever seen [this video](https://youtu.be/WTWdP5DMdsM)? Based on a real court transcript.
    — RegularParadox






13. I was a Character Witness (i had to testify as to the character of someone i knew, in court) during a divorce. My friend's (ex) wife had made a number of claims at the first hearing, and since she had no evidence of these claims, other than her own words, but he had no evidence other than HIS words, his lawyer asked me to provide testimony as to my friend's character. Every time i mentioned the money my friend spent on his ex, and her family, she would stand up and scream at me, calling me a liar...but the court already had the evidence of that stuff, bank statements from when he took out a $50k loan to help his in laws pay off their house (on the promise they would pay him back 5k a year for 10 years, which they never did) and the fact he also cosigned for her younger sister on a car, and that her sister had never made a single payment, but he made the payments to make sure the college girl had a car. Judge never lost his cool, until the very end. When i finished my testimony, by stating my friend had in fact been physically assaulted by her, in my presence, and he had opted not to press charges (this was another thing that was easily proven as the same event lead to her being cited for Disorderly Conduct and Disturbing the Peace). She decided to throw the water pitcher at me. She couldn't get it to reach half way from her table to the witness stand. I will never forget the look on her lawyers face. you know that scene, in almost every Fantasy movie? Where a character slowly realizes that the dragon is waking up and they are completely fucked? Yeah.
    — WeirdWolfGuy


14. An angry defendant. Representing herself. Judge gives some latitude and tells her to speak to plaintiffs attorney for a bit, maybe they can reach a deal. They come back. It’s clear she didn’t feel like listening or being nice. Judge goes through the “do you dispute you owe xxx amount of money?” Defendant: I guess, that’s what he said. Judge: I need a yes or no. Defendant: sure. Judge: you can say no if you don’t think so or don’t think it’s fair or you can’t afford it. Defendant: yeah, I owe him. Judge pauses for a bit then tells her she’s entering an order requiring her to pay it. This prompts the defendant to store out of the courtroom yelling “I’ll see you in court!” We all just kind of looked at one another and shrugged.
    — sparksfIy